Hey everyone! It’s Mattastical Matt here. I wanted to apologize for no new blog posts on Monday. I’ve been busy with college courses lately and don’t have quite as much time to blog as I once did. This can obviously be exemplified by the fact that this post is one of my recent papers edited to blog form.
I apologize for all the delay, but I am afraid I can’t stick to the typical schedule right now. I will be returning to normal Monday and Friday posts once the semester ends or until my workload is lightened, whichever comes first. I hope you like this one, it is one of my more personal pieces. Enjoy!
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One Sunday in January of 2013, my father bought a pizza and took it to my grandfather’s house. Along with me and my brother of course. My grandfather was not deathly ill at the time, but he lived alone and was unable to do most things on his own anymore. A trip to visit Grandpa was a unique experience.
He wasn’t one of those old guys that is constantly waiting to yell at anyone that dares step on his lawn. He was a funny guy, making lots of jokes and putting a positive twist on a sad situation. He would always joke with my father about being a burden and my father would always respond with “Grandpa, you’re being a burden!” That always put a smile on my face. He cared about me and my brother so much. He was at the hospital with me the day I cracked my skull open (blog post for another day).
The following Sunday, I saw my grandfather again. Only this time, it was in a hospital bed. He passed away hours earlier in his rocking chair. All that was left was the cold, flesh vessel that he once drove. It was one of the saddest moments in my life. I don’t think I have ever cried as hard as I did that day. And I didn’t even know what I lost.
I wish I had spent more time with my grandfather. I wish I had talked to him more and gained more wisdom on life from his stories. That’s how I feel in the present moment. Back in 2013, I was twelve years old. I didn't understand any of that. I didn’t realize my grandfather had all this wisdom for me to absorb. He grew up during the great depression, was a private in the military, raised four kids, and had to handle the deaths of two wives. Surely he could have taught me some life lessons like a wise sensei. But all I wanted to do was go home and play Mario Kart on my Wii. My mindset was different.
It's human nature to have regrets, looking at our past actions with disdain. As we continually grow and develop, we look back at who we once were and wish we were different. We wish we had applied for that reach school. We wish we had worked up the courage to talk to that girl we saw in the coffee shop. We wish we had studied for that history test that we knew we were going to flunk. It can’t be avoided, regret is inevitable. There’s always something we wish we had handled differently.
I feel as though a lack of gratitude contributes to a lot of our regrets. We don’t always appreciate what we have until it has vanished from sight. We take it for granted and suffer greatly when it is taken away from us. “If only I had said more…” Is a thought many people ponder while lying in their beds at night. Being thankless is a leading cause of our regrets. But it’s only through experiencing regret that we learn to have gratitude. And I have experienced a lot of regret in my life.
When I was in 1st grade, my best friend moved in next door to me. I had access to play with him whenever I wanted. My best friend had a very unique personality. He was immature, but always got serious when he needed to. He had a very extensive knowledge of computer programming, but often used those skills for malicious things. He liked many of the same things, but he still had interests in things I despised such as the Philadelphia Eagles (Yuck).
Neither of us were social butterflies, we weren’t the best at talking and hanging out with other people. We were computer nerds after all. But like Han Solo always had Chewbacca, I always had him. Even though he was the guy that put rocks in my backpack and constantly hid the case to my glasses, he was by my side from Kindergarten to high school graduation.
Once we did graduate, his family announced that they would be moving to Florida. It was hard to hear. This was my best friend for the past twelve years, the guy I had to constantly keep out of trouble. He went from being 10 feet away to 1000 miles. And it all happened so quickly, like the snap of Thanos’ fingers. I found out in the middle of Summer after high school.
It wasn’t until then that I realized how lucky I was. It’s not every lifetime that you have a best friend that likes the same things as you and lives 20 seconds away. Knowing that we only had a few months left, we started to make the most of our time together. We went for more bike rides around the neighborhood, battled each other in Super Smash Bros, and played with LEGO’s we hadn’t touched in years.
Saying goodbye is inevitable in life. For every time we say hello, there will be a time where we have to say goodbye.
As his family got further along in the process of selling the house, we started giving all of these major goodbyes to one another. We wanted to leave each other on the best terms as possible. But we couldn’t do it. It got to the point where we couldn’t keep making grand goodbyes and treated every meeting as if it was a normal day in the neighborhood.
The last time I saw him was before Thanksgiving. There was nothing special about our meeting, no hugs or major speeches to one another. Just two neighbors in the driveway. We were like Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza, talking about the small and simple stuff in life. I wish it was more spectacular than that, a big grand goodbye.
It was especially hard for this to happen during my freshman year of college. I no longer had a backbone friend, someone I could always depend on to not feel alone. There was more pressure to make new friends in college, people to fill the void he had left. If I couldn’t, I was going to be all by myself throughout those four years.
As much as I wish I acted differently in the past, I learned something from my best friend's departure. I took a lot of people for granted in my life despite my best efforts not to. My parents, my brother, my grandparents, and my friends just to name a few. They are the ones who helped shape my morals, my personality, my wisdom.
They helped me discover my love for computer programming and playing video games. They were the ones that got me immediate help when I cracked my skull open. They are the people that showed me the value in cleaning the dishes every once in a while without being asked. Would it really kill me to tell them all this? Let them know how much I appreciate them?
I made sure to not make the same mistakes the next time around. When the first corona virus case came to the University of Delaware campus, there was all this fear and uncertainty of what would happen. Everyone had to move out, but would we be returning to campus after spring break? Would we even be back in 2020? It didn’t matter to me what the answer was, I wasn’t gonna hide my feelings anymore.
My last day on campus, I had to say goodbye to all of my friends. I’ve already talked on this blog before about saying goodbye to my roommate and how much he meant to me. But there was one other moment in particular that felt big to me, where I watched two of my best friends at UD walk down the stairs to leave campus.
On my left, the girl who brought positive, high-energy vibes into any room she entered. The girl who didn’t care what others thought of her and gave me the self confidence to be myself. On my right, one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. The girl that gave me words of wisdom no one else my age could. The girl who always cared about what was on my mind and showed me a kindness I’ve never received before.
This was before we were officially kicked off campus for the rest of the semester, so I didn’t know if this would be my final goodbye or not. I reminded myself about my best friend from home, of how I didn’t say what I wanted to in our final goodbye. Some of my best memories at the University of Delaware happened when those two were around.
I wasn’t taking any chances, I stopped them and let them know how much I appreciated them doing all that they had for me and for being two of my best friends. It was a little awkward for me at the moment to give my gratitude, but I’m glad I did it. And I think they were too.
Gratitude is a very under-emphasized concept in today’s modern society. We have all learned to be thankful to others since birth, but the sense of entitlement that comes with being a kid prevents us from truly understanding it. You need a sledgehammer to pound it into our heads until it sticks. Hell, it wasn’t until I watched the fourth Shrek movie that I finally got the message. And by then, I already paid my regrets to the past. But I can do better in the future. I can, in the words of Spongebob Squarepants, have “an attitude of gratitude.”
Perhaps that is one of the few benefits of the corona virus pandemic. Everyone will have to learn the hard way what it means to lose what you love. They’ll understand how important friends and family are. They’ll understand how lucky they are to be in good health. But above all, they’ll understand why you should say thank you every once in a while. Let the world know how much you appreciate living in it. Don’t be afraid to say how you feel. Sure, it’s awkward in the moment. But no one has ever regretted saying “Thank you.”
To everyone that is reading this post, thank you for the contributions you have made to my life. I send you the utmost love:
Until the next post, stay Mattastic!
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