Hello Everyone, Mattastical Matt here! As you may have guessed, this blog post is a little different from my other ones. Like I said in my first post, I wanted to try a variety of different ideas for my posts. I’m starting out with a mixture of satire and sports in this article about the NFL draft because, well, this is the only sports thing going on to satisfy my needs. I decided to split this into two blog posts so it doesn’t go on too long. I’m posting both of them today, so Friday will go back to normal blog posts. Don’t take this stuff too seriously, it’s meant to be an over exaggeration, satire if you will. Hopefully you enjoy it!
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It’s that time of year again! When college football players leave their homeland to become stars in the professionals. When men are separated from the boys. When freakishly athletic and healthy individuals sacrifice all that by committing to this deadly sport all for our entertainment.
The NFL originally planned on holding this year's draft in Los Angeles, using a boat to sail the top prospects to the crappiest of teams. Unfortunately, with the corona virus pandemic coming up unexpectedly, that didn’t happen. Instead we got a draft by conference call. And it had just about all the issues you would expect with such an idea.
But that’s not why we are here. I don’t give a crap if Mel Kiper’s video goes out while he’s bashing my team for why they took the wrong guy. That’s just one less talking head to hear. No, we want to see who are teams drafted. And I’m here to recap who they did (or didn’t) and bash you for such a move. Buckle in, it’s rewind time!
Key:
QB - Quarterback
RB - Running Back
WR - Wide Receiver
OT - Offensive Tackle
C - Center
DE - Defensive End
DT - Defensive Tackle
LB - Linebacker
S - Safety
CB - Corner back
Pick #1: Cincinnati Bengals - Joe Burrow, QB LSU
This is probably the most predictable draft pick I’ve ever seen. I’m sure as soon it was announced the Bengals would have the first pick, they were already making his jersey. It was the right pick for sure. Anyone else and I would have had to banish myself from ever watching a Bengals game again. These fans deserve Burrow. They had to endure decades worth of Marvin Lewis and QB Mr. Ginger killing this franchise, wasting all of the talent present. And after all of that, they got one of the best draft QBs since Andrew Luck. The man who led LSU to a title in spectacular fashion. It’s just too bad the Bengals will return the favor to Joe and give a generational talent a mediocre career. What a waste.
Pick #2: Washington Redskins - Chase Young, DE Ohio State
Another obvious choice in the draft here. But honestly, did it really matter? The Redskins have a circus of QB’s and DE’s just to add another one with their first pick every year. I’ve watched them do this crap many times before, it’s nothing new. At least they managed to get a generational talent this time. Chase Young is a pretty phenomenal player with the power and speed you wish for at the position. Sure the Redskins cornerbacks will get torched every game and rotate out their quarterbacks every other game, but think about that pass rush…
Pick #3: Detroit Lions - Jeff Okudah (Matata), CB Ohio State
Again, no surprise here. This was pretty obvious ever since the Lions traded away CB Darius Slay for basically a bag of chips. I hope they were barbecued at least. Similar to Young, Okudah is an amazing talent that is playing for a defense that will surely waste his career. Slay was what prevented this team from ranking as the worst defense last year and now he’s gone. The difference between him and Young is Okudah gets to have his talent wasted in Detroit, which is somehow more humiliating. Expect Okudah to be replaced by some Ex-Patriot in the future.
Pick #4: New York Giants - Andrew Thomas, OT Georgia
Okay, this was a little bit surprising to me. I understand the OT pick. The Giants have let Daniel Jones get demolished and wasted Saquon Barkley’s career thus far. All because they have an offensive line comparable to a turnstile. They need help there, I get it. But when you also have a spotty defense and pass up on one of the best defensive players in the draft, that turns this pick into a head-scratcher. By the way, Thomas also wasn’t even the best OT available. Hopefully Thomas gives Jones and Barkley the necessary protection time to overcome the double-digit deficits New York will surely be in.
Pick #5: Miami Dolphins - Tua Tagovailoa, QB Alabama
The months of Dolphins fans chanting #TankingForTua has finally come to fruition. And yet, this still feels like a disappointment on some level. No one really expected Joe Burrow to emerge from the shadows as the best QB in this draft class. Combine that with the fact Miami couldn’t even tank properly, and Miami still got Tua as the second best QB. He’s certainly better than what they had, but you could have had something better had you tanked properly. By the way, Tua suffered a hip injury in college, similar to the injury that essentially ended legendary RB Bo Jackson’s career. Have fun with that!
Pick #6: Los Angeles Chargers - Justin Herbert, QB Oregon
Did anyone really believe the Chargers when they said they were going to stick with Tyrod Taylor as their starting QB? Yeah, me neither. He will be benched by October with Herbert in town. Unfortunately, I’ve watched some of Herbert’s college tape and it is so much more of a disappointment than I thought. I honestly thought him playing his senior year would develop him into an NFL ready QB. I was so wrong. I’m not sure I trust him throwing a ball anywhere past the line of scrimmage. Herbert has all signs pointing to being the next Mitchell Trubisky. If you don’t know who that is, just ask a Bears fan. They’ll tell you the story of that tragedy.
Pick #7: Carolina Panthers - Derrick Brown, DT Auburn
The Panthers are in this weird state where they are kind of tanking now, but not really. They signed QB Teddy Bridgewater to lead the team and re-signed Christian McCafrey (CMC) to a lucrative deal. But they have problems everywhere else, half their team either retired or signed with the Bills. To begin filling in a team with more holes than swiss cheese, the Panthers elected to take Derrick Brown for their defensive line. This is a very small hole however, and they very easily could have given Bridgewater a new weapon to throw the ball to. Looks like CMC will have to carry this team for another year.
Pick #8: Arizona Cardinals - Isaiah Simmons, LB/S Clemson
This is who I expected the Giants to take four picks earlier (or you know, any team after that?). The Cardinals definitely got a great player in Simmons, he seems like one of those defensive players that can do it all. But I’m not entirely sure what he is going to do in Arizona, which worries me. Wherever Simmons fits into their defense, it will most certainly be the wrong use of his talents. At least Arizona knows how to draft in style:
He can just play Arizona’s games in his backyard if he wants to.
Pick #9: Jacksonville Jaguars - C.J Henderson, CB Florida
Look, even he doesn’t wanna be here:
That family has no interest in watching him go to Duval. The Jaguars have become the new Dolphins. They are doing everything in their power to get rid of talent that may exist on the current roster. God knows how much time Leonard Fournette has until he gets shipped out. The Jaguars made the brilliant move of trading away their top of the league secondary and getting Henderson to fill the void. They could have at least given QB Gardner Minshew some weapons to pass to. But that might actually make the team good. And we don’t want that.
Pick #10: Cleveland Browns - Jedrick Wills Jr, OT Alabama
The Browns finally took an initiative to fix the biggest weakness in their offense. Rather than trading for some whiny receiver or drafting headhunters at defensive end, the Browns got an offensive tackle. They haven’t had a good one of those since Joe Thomas retired. Hopefully Wills Jr doesn’t have his talent wasted the same way Thomas did. But he just might. I saw what the revamped Browns offense looked like last year, the one that was supposed to be Super Bowl bound. I was one of the few who had low expectations for them, and the Browns still somehow went lower than that. You think an offensive lineman is going to change that? HA!
Pick #11: New York Jets - Mekhi Becton, OT Louisville
I honestly don’t know who this is. This is one of those names that didn’t come up that often (at least for me) in mock drafts. Getting QB Sam Darnold some protection was probably a good idea. But you know what would have been a better idea? Giving Darnold some ACTUAL weapons out wide. Especially when this draft class is rich with talented wide receivers and the Jets best pass catcher is a running back. The Jets just lost the only receiver on their team I knew the name of, so who is Darnold supposed to throw to? Speaking of wide receivers though...
Pick #12: Oakland Las Vegas Raiders - Henry Ruggs III, WR Alabama
Finally, a receiver comes off the board. The Raiders haven’t had a true #1 wide receiver since trading Amari Cooper away (where he instantly returned to star receiver play) and having Antonio Brown go, in my father's words, “off the deep end.” And yet, even with the ability to choose the top receiver in the draft, the Raiders still opted to choose the bronze medal. Don’t get me wrong, Ruggs is certainly the fastest receiver in this draft and is good. But he wasn’t even the best receiver from Alabama available. At least he’ll have a nice rookie year. Everything after that is a little bleak though.
Pick #13: (TRADE with SF) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tristan Wirfs, OT Iowa
After going all out in the offseason to sign QB Tom Brady and surround him with an arsenal of explosive weapons, the next step was to get Brady protection. Lord knows his bones are made of glass at this point. But what the hell was with this trade? They had the very next pick and there was no way San Francisco was gonna take Wirfs (not with that Receiving corps). This trade was just pointless. The Buccaneers may have a WAY better roster than last year and made a good pick here, but their front office is still has incompetent as before.
Pick #14: (TRADE with TB) San Francisco 49ers - Javon Kinlaw, DT South Carolina
Get ready for Hollywood to release The Blind Side 2 with this guy as the star. He has a pretty incredible story of adversity. And I can kinda understand this pick for San Fran. The 49ers traded DT Deforest Buckner (who was a pretty well established player) to the Colts for this mid first round pick, most likely to get a similar talent at a lower price. I get all that. But when your #1 wide receiver just finished his rookie season and you have the best draft class of receivers in a while, you’d think they would have taken a receiver here. Really “blew” that one didn’t ya?
Pick #15: Denver Broncos - Jerry Jeudy, WR Alabama
Finally, SOMEONE has the common sense to draft one of these receivers. Unfortunately, he had to go to a lame ass team like Denver. This pick was probably to help develop QB Drew Lock after starting the last few games of his rookie season. Broncos fans, enjoy yourselves when Jeudy scores a nice touchdown against the Chiefs, only to lose by 20 points anyways.
Pick #16: Atlanta Falcons - A.J Terrell, CB Clemson
The Falcons desperately need help at corner back. The expectation was for C.J Henderson to still be available at this time, until the Jaguars reached to acquire him. The Falcons did likewise and horribly reached for their own CB. Terrell was projected as a second round pick AT BEST. He had one good game in the 2019 Championship with Clemson, and that was enough to deem him Atlanta ready. He’s gonna look great in those new uniforms, straight out of The Longest Yard.
So that is how I feel about the first half of the first round of the first virtual NFL draft. Until the second part (which shouldn’t be long), stay Mattastical!
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