Hello Everyone, Mattastical Matt here! As you may have guessed, this blog post is a little different from my other ones. Like I said in my first post, I wanted to try a variety of different ideas for my posts. I’m starting out with a mixture of satire and sports in this article about the NFL draft because, well, this is the only sports thing going on to satisfy my needs. I decided to split this into two blog posts so it doesn’t go on too long. I’m posting both of them today, so Friday will go back to normal blog posts. Don’t take this stuff too seriously, it’s meant to be an over exaggeration, satire if you will. Hopefully you enjoy it!
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It’s that time of year again! When college football players leave their homeland to become stars in the professionals. When men are separated from the boys. When freakishly athletic and healthy individuals sacrifice all that by committing to this deadly sport all for our entertainment.
The NFL originally planned on holding this year's draft in Los Angeles, using a boat to sail the top prospects to the crappiest of teams. Unfortunately, with the coronavirus pandemic coming up unexpectedly, that didn’t happen. Instead we got a draft by conference call. And it had just about all the issues you would expect with such an idea.
But that’s not why we are here. I don’t give a crap if Mel Kiper’s video goes out while he’s bashing my team for why they took the wrong guy. That’s just one less talking head to hear. No, we want to see who are teams drafted. And I’m here to recap who they did (or didn’t) and bash you for such a move. Buckle in, it’s rewind time!
Key:
QB - Quarterback
RB - Running Back
WR - Wide Receiver
OT - Offensive Tackle
C - Center
DE - Defensive End
DT - Defensive Tackle
LB - Linebacker
S - Safety
CB - Corner back
Pick #17: Dallas Cowboys - Ceedee Lamb, WR Oklahoma
You know, as a Cowboys fan, I always get excited when they draft an offensive player (especially one like Lamb). Especially when it doubly acts as a middle finger to their rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles, who surely wanted Lamb to fall all the way to them. But there is something about this team I’m always forgetting… Oh right, the defense! The Cowboys lost DE Robert Quinn and CB Byron Jones in free agency, both of whom were key contributors to the defense. On top of this, Dallas just spent a ton of money to keep their top guy, Amari Cooper. Sure Lamb was the top guy at the time, but a WR #3 isn’t really Dallas’ top concern. I hope this offense can score 40 points a game cause they may just have to.
Pick #18: (TRADE from PIT) Miami Dolphins - Austin Jackson, OT USC
After getting their QB of the future in Tua Tagovailoa, the Dolphins opted to get him some protection and, ya know, not let him get crushed to the turf. He’s already had enough injuries for a career. While Jackson is probably a good pick to protect Tua, he hasn’t played in over a year due to donating bone marrow to his sister. That’s a little concerning, lots of crap can change when you take a year off. At least he knows how to give up bone marrow though, he might need to with Tua at the helm.
Pick #19: (TRADE from CHI) Las Vegas Raiders - Damon Arnette, CB Ohio State
This is the second of the two first round picks Chicago gave up to the Raiders for LB Khalil Mack. Initially that trade looked pretty favorable to Chicago, then the Raiders used the first pick on RB Josh Jacobs and it started to even out. But then Las Vegas used this pick on Arnette and it fell back in favor of the Bears. What were the Raiders thinking? They definitely needed the defensive back help, but Arnette was not even in the top ten of best CB’s this draft. Another Jon Gruden pick that you just have to hope he knows he is doing with.
Pick #20: (TRADE from LAR) Jacksonville Jaguars - K’Lavon Chaisson, DE LSU
You know, it’s funny how the Jaguars are trading away all their star players in order to tank and draft their replacements. After trading away DE Calais Campbell for a fourth round pick (seriously, is there some hidden value to that round that I am unaware of?) the Jaguars found his successor in Chaisson. They’re rebuilding something that didn’t need to be rebuilt in the first place. What does need to be fixed is that offense. I’m sorry, but Uncle Rico at QB just isn’t gonna cut it guys. Especially when he has basically two weapons, one of whom you are actively trying to get rid of.
Pick #21: Philadelphia Eagles - Jalen Reagor, WR TCU
This is the problem when you win your division but not the Super Bowl. You (usually) select after all of your division rivals who will surely be looking for players to dethrone you. The Cowboys did such by taking Lamb, the receiver the Eagles were dreaming would fall to them. But after he got snatched up, the Eagles had to pick the next best guy… or sixth best guy. With better receivers still up on the board, the Eagles elected to take this guy instead. Yeah he is fast, but has some catching inconsistencies and doesn’t add much else. That’s kind of why D Jax is on the team. Philly, if you want a speedy receiving core like the Chiefs, you need to make sure they can catch first.
Pick #22: (TRADE with BUF) Minnesota Vikings - Justin Jefferson, WR LSU
WR Stefon Diggs finally got off this hell hole of a team with enough constant whining. Using the draft capital they got from his trade, the Vikings took his successor in Jefferson. I’m a little wary about this one. The Vikings drafted basically the same player they traded away. The difference being Diggs proved he could play at an NFL level. Jefferson is also the fourth ranked receiver in this class. That's very reassuring for the years to come.
Pick #23: (TRADE with NE) Los Angeles Chargers - Kenneth Murray, LB Oklahoma
I knew the Patriots weren’t going to make a pick in the first round. They prefer taking the Walmart bag boys on day 3 of the draft and turning them into studs. It’s a little confusing though, QB Jordan Love was still on the board. Unless they think Brian Hoyer is going to carry this team (he can’t guys). Anyways, the Chargers traded up to take Murray, a fairly decent pick. It would have been better though if they got Herbet some offensive line protection help though. He’s gonna need a few more seconds to overthrow his receivers by several feet.
Pick #24: New Orleans Saints - Cesar Ruiz, C Michigan
This has got to be the most boring pick of the draft thus far. It was solid, but not very interesting. The problem is that the Saints didn’t NEED a center. Their offensive line is fine. In fact, they drafted a center last year. Why make this pick? Especially when the Saints still have a questionable defense. It’s sustainable, but the Saints had the chance to make it dynamic. Instead they decided to be boring and stupid. All just to lose to Minnesota in the playoffs again.
Pick #25: (TRADE with MIN): San Francisco 49ers - Brandon Aiyuk, WR Arizona State
You see what happens when you pass on drafting two generational talents at WR? You have to settle for the next best guy. I’m not even sure what the point of trading up for this guy was. The top three receivers are off the board, the difference between this guy and the next three ranked behind him is minimal. There was really only one threat to draft a receiver. But…
Pick #26: (TRADE with Dolphins): Green Bay Packers - Jordan Love, QB Utah State
It’s a terrible day in Green Bay today! A terrible day in Wisconsin! Unless you are Mr. (Aaron) Rodgers. The Packers should be in win-now mode, getting the most out of their star players before their massive contracts kill the salary cap (which is only a couple years away). Instead they opted to draft a backup. Green Bay has a particularly bad receiving room (aside from Davante Adams). Not only did they skip over a receiver, they now want Rodgers to mentor Love as his successor. Can you say egotistical? Cause that's what Rodgers is. He will surely be more concerned with his own success than Love’s.
Pick #27: Seattle Seahawks - Jordyn Brooks, LB Texas Tech
This is a pick I see a lot of people giving low grades to and I can kind of see why. The Seahawks are the team that seems to always reach to the sky for some round 3 talent. This is a prime example of that. There were a lot of better linebackers available at this spot, but the Seahawks just chose to be stupid with their pick. Brooks is a good blitzer, but he has problems with his pass coverage. You know there were better linebackers available, like…
Pick #28: Baltimore Ravens - Patrick Queen, LB LSU
After the whole Derrick Henry disaster, the Ravens decided to take an initiative and upgrade their linebacking core. Unfortunately, while Queen is one of the best linebackers in this draft and has excellent pass coverage skills, he struggles in run defense. Oh come on Ravens, you had one need and you still couldn’t fulfill it. Get ready for when Derrick Henry runs all over you again, he’s on your schedule this year boys.
Pick #29: Tennessee Titans - Isaiah Wilson, OT Georgia
What the hell is going on here?:
Someone tell Mike Vrabel he is on television. This is no time to let your kids cosplay as Frozone or show them taking a crap in the background. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Titans pick. The Titans lost OT Jack Conklin in free agency and drafted Wilson to fill that void. Did you really need to give RB Derrick Henry help though? That guy can block his own defenders if he wants to. I’m just saying there were probably better areas to improve here.
Pick #30: (TRADE from GB) Miami Dolphins - Noah Igbinoghene, CB Auburn
Like I said, the Dolphins had a lot of problem areas leading up the draft, a couple of which they already filled. Corner back was not one of them. They already had Xavien Howard on the team and signed Byron Jones to the richest deal at the position. So why draft this guy? The top safeties and running backs were still on the board and they just passed on that? Igbinoghene wasn’t even the best CB left.
Pick #31: (TRADE from SF) Minnesota Vikings - Jeff Gladney, CB TCU
Similar to the Eagles pick, Gladney comes from Texas Christian University. I’m not sure how much I trust players from that school. The last big name to come out of that school was Andy Dalton a.k.a. Mr. Ginger himself. Anyways, Jeff Gladney is here in Minnesota to replace Xavier Rhodes who was abysmal last year. These picks by the Vikings are great and all, but are they satisfied with the state of their offensive line? Probably not, and I’m sure RB Dalvin Cook isn’t either.
Pick #32: Kansas City Chiefs - Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB LSU
Does anybody know who Damien Williams is? The running back for the Chiefs that sealed their Super Bowl win by scoring the final two touchdowns? The NFL essentially gave him a middle finger by not awarding him the Super Bowl MVP. The Chiefs did likewise and drafted his replacement in Edwards. This sounds like a way to make an already prolific offense even better. But I don’t trust that defense. They were solid the second half of the year, but everything before that was pretty awful. CB help would have been a lot better here.
And that concludes the first round of the draft. Some people made better picks than others. But at some level, everyone screwed it up. Until next year's draft (which hopefully isn’t virtual), stay Mattastical!
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